Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
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ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
How about daylight saves us for once
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Good morning
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Check your privilege
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson