I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
This one’s “Alex”.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Woke up against my better judgment again
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes