6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
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no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”