i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
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My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]