[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I’ve had worse
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?