Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
When you kidnap a writer.