I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
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“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
plant them where lol
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
He just like my cat fr
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
a badder mouse
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!