A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Mhm.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.