Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Peace was never an option
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
fly smarter, not harder
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE