IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
*lint rolls you awake*
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.