PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
You Might Also Like
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza