Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
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me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Just grow your own
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*