Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
New tinder profile pic
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”