Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
just left a huge legacy in there
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit