Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
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Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Encore…
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.