Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The Assassin.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms