I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Spring of Deception
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Sending in my taxes
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider: