ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
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I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.