me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Message from the dog groomers
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.