[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
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Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
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Expectations vs. Reality
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell