Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
You Might Also Like
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul