*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
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If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
john wicks are toilet candles
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.