I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
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ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?