I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
You Might Also Like
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
LOOOOOOL
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.