I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
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What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Today’s Times
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you