Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
You Might Also Like
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.