No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
me when the borders lift
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR