Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
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“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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i’m laughing very hard in real life
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key