I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
the Monday after daylight savings
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?