I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Well, this explains it:
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I did not eat the cake…
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
fr
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.