A leaf blower, but for people.
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*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
my first day as a raccoon
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.