[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Rambo Rambow