people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
the three genders
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*