13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
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overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
very niche meme I made
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.