Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I need to get some bricks…
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Pringles
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.