Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
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Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I’m good, thanks.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!