Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.