Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
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INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Rather alarming headline…
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?