Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Sending in my taxes
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.