THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
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Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
when you are just born a rebel
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.