Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.