I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
You Might Also Like
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Hello Twits.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
This line from Airplane.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.