Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
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It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
This kinda thing happens to me often
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.