something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
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Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.