When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
You Might Also Like
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.