I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.