Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
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*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
the best thing i’ve ever made
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there