Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W