I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.