“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
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Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Just so funny
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
my first dose meeting my second
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”